Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion:

Today I’ll be looking at 50 Shades of Grey, the hotly anticipated film adaptation of E.L. James’s erotic romance novel, and a watershed cinematic event where, for the very first time, audiences get to see a big-budget Hollywood movie show the kind of sex that regular, everyday Americans enjoy behind closed doors, with all the whippings, bondage, harnesses and pain play that ordinary people can relate to.

Sounds about right.